Mar 30, 2005

Upping the geek quotient...

As the old maxim goes, To thine own self be true, and since I'm an admitted Rush fan who understands at least half of the jokes behind Thinkgeek t-shirts, here's some good ol' American nerd fuel:

* From Slashdot: A startup company is looking to develop photonic-based computer processors by 2006. While this may result in much faster computers, the important thing is that now we're closer to getting those isolinear chips you see in Star Trek: The Next Generation. And by typing that sentence, I'm ensuring that this blog is going to be taken by sports-themed blogs and stuffed into a gym-locker-themed blog.

* From Powerpage: What do you get when you take a picture of the wall behind your computer and make it your desktop? Transparent desktops. Some of these pictures are real trippy, man...

And now, I'll go put on my retainer and smear on my acne cream...

Mar 29, 2005

Let's hop aboard the Booktastic Bus!

A couple of my favorite authors have new books out, and I wouldn't be doing my job as a blogging bookworm if I didn't mention them...

I've just finished George Pelecanos' new one, Drama City. It's a good, fast read, although IMO not his best (that would be King Suckerman or Hell to Pay). But Pelecanos ranges from good (his pre-1994 books) to very good (where this one falls), to absolutely brilliant, to the point where I've literally shaken my head in admiration. It's great that he's so prolific, even though he's a writer and producer on The Wire (which just got renewed).

Also, Chuck Palahniuk's new one, Haunted, comes out in May. It's a short story collection with a connecting storyline (and FWIW, the Amazon page gives away what I would consider spoilers). He's hit or miss with me (didn't like Invisible Monsters, couldn't get into Fight Club, but loved Choke), but he writes the type of fiction I would like to. In fact, I consider the Halliburton holiday story I wrote last December a Palahniuk pastiche (or rip-off, it's the same thing).

So, these guys will probably get my money down the road. And with the disintegrating social safety net, that's a high compliment...

Mar 28, 2005

Food, gloriousAHHHH!!!! MY VENTRICLES!!!

Given this blog's love of all foods delicious and craptacular, you just knew I had something to say about BK's new Enormous Omelet Sandwich.

My verdict? Take away the mule-choking size (730 cals, 47 g fat), and I'm very unimpressed.

First, American cheese? You couldn't spring for cheddar? Come on.

Second, while the two meats (bacon and sausage) are the most interesting aspect, I can't see how that would taste anything but overpowering. How much better would the sandwich taste if you dropped a meat and replaced it with, say, a layer of crispy hash browns?

Would I get this? Maybe once, for shock value, but why? I can make a much tastier and probably deadlier breakfast sandwich in my sleep (Example: fried egg, Taylor pork roll, muenster cheese, and Tabasco sauce on a Jersey-fresh onion bagel), so what's the point?

My advice for BK: drop this, pay Fox the licensing fee, and break out the Simpsons' Good Morning Burger:

We take eighteen ounces of sizzling ground beef, and soak it in rich,
creamery butter, then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg.
We call it the Good Morning Burger.

Now that's good eatin'.

Postscript: Another thing, the name stinks. I thought of two better names in the space of a minute.

1) The BK Breakfast Bowel Blaster.

2) Deus Egg Machina.

This is the crap I think about during 24 commercials...

Mar 26, 2005

This caramel cross is good enough for Jehovah!

Once again, I underestimate the ability of companies to mix religious icons with ooey-gooey caramel, because now Russell Stover's getting in the act.

Look, if you must do it, could you at least not fill the cross with caramel? Or nougat, pralines, or rice krispies? That just seems...wrong.

And check out Norbizness in the links, the current post links to Easter candies, with a marshmellow to represent Jesus.

Really. It's too early for me to make this crap up.

As for me, I'll wait for the marzipan mezuzah.

Mar 23, 2005

Great moments in science.

In the tradition of great moments in science like starting your grill with rocket fuel and potato cannons, please welcome...

The Solar Death Ray.

(Link courtesy of Slashdot, the story is here.)

Mar 20, 2005

Sacrilicious chocolate blogging...

While in the candy aisle of the local supermarket, amidst the various chocolate eggs, bunnies, and Marshmellow Peepseses, I saw...chocolate candy crosses. I don't remember seeing those before, but I imagine they've been around for awhile. Of course, I never got one as a kid, because my family' should I put this?...not insane.

But naturally, once the border separating confectionery and religious icons was erased in my mind, in a matter of minutes I had designed the Ultimate Chocolate Crucifix. Complete with Strawberry Stigmata and a yummy little Crown of Toffee Thorns. And if you buy one, you get a coupon for a free one three days later!

But then again, do I really want a pissed-off Mel Gibson after me?

Besides, it's probably already been done, but I don't have the balls to Google it.

Mar 16, 2005

Talk about baked Alaska...

Very disappointed, but not surprised, by the vote to drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Just a thought:

If you saw someone going through bars and checking empty glasses for a few more drops of alcohol, you'd say that person has a problem, right?

Seems like that's what 51 of our senators (and You-Know-Who) are like in regards to oil.

Mar 15, 2005

"I don't like alarms, Mr. White."

That's something else I share with Mr. Blonde, besides being an impeccably-dressed psychotic jewel thief. Don't like using them, never have, except for my sophmore year because my roommate needed the 1812 Overture to get him out of bed. Unfortunately, my current schedule demands it, since I do have a tendency to linger in bed in the morning.

But whenever I set my alarm, I always, always, wake a half hour before in anticipation. That's no biggie.

But a lot of the times (this happened last night) I will dream that the alarm woke me up. More often than not I'm preparing for the day in my mind for a good half-minute before realizing that my room doesn't always resemble an Escher painting and my cat doesn't know how to cook green beans almondine.

There's probably an allegorical statement here about the nature of the workday and its dehumanizing results, but Harlan Ellison already wrote about it.

Mar 13, 2005

I saw this billboard...

...driving down Route 80 this morning.

As my apprentice,
you'll never be fired.

       - God

But shouldn't whoever's in charge of employee screening get at least a reprimand?

Mar 12, 2005

Something that will never happen.

It looks like next month that the credit card companies will get a prolonged financial orgasm courtesy of our government. Wouldn't it be nice if they were gracious in victory?

Here's my thought: they're so concerned about unpaid debt, how about if they tightened their standards just the teensiest bit? I'm not talking about rejecting credit card applications per se, just that maybe getting a credit card shouldn't be easier than breathing. How many applications do you get a week in the mail? Five? Ten? And of the millions of applications sent out a week, how many are (1) returned, and (2) will actually be helpful for the person returning it?

Since more often than not, credit card applications in the mail are as welcome as a jalapeno in your saline solution, how about this?

All credit card companies voluntarily reduce their mailings by 25% within a year.

Now, I'm all for free enterprise, and I don't believe that they should be forced to reduce advertising. I also don't think it will help an iota in reducing the amount of consumer debt. I just think that an empty, almost meaningless gesture like this might just help people believe that credit card companies aren't entirely greedy scumbags.

But that's me.

Next time on Something that will never happen: Rick Santorum kicks off the 2006 Andres Serrano Art Festival.

Mar 9, 2005

Got my mind on my money and my money on my mind...

Yep, have been thinking about money a lot, since it's been in the news a lot, what with Social Security and gas prices (it's gone up locally twelve cents since Friday, for crying out loud). But the big news this week is the bankruptcy bill is going forward.

"The sooner we finish work in the Senate and get the bill to the House, the sooner our bankruptcy system will be focused as it should be on helping those with real need, and less vulnerable to abuse by consumers who have the ability to repay their debts," said Sen. Charles Grassley, R-Iowa, the bill's primary author.

You know, that seems fair. Until you learn that exemption amendments for medical bills and seniors were shot down, and another for veterans was scaled back. Then it becomes clear that this philosophy was done first in Goodfellas.

"Oh, you have cancer? Fuck you, pay me. Your husband got shipped to Iraq? Fuck you, pay me."

Well, if this passes, there's always common sense financial solutions.

Save money.

Invest wisely.

And hold onto your assets.

Mar 1, 2005

Oh, boy, Howard Stern ain't gonna like this...

Because God forbid anyone anywhere have ANY fun, Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens is looking to apply broadcast decency standards to cable television and satellite radio.

"Cable is a much greater violator in the indecency area," the Alaska Republican told the National Association of Broadcasters, which represents most local television affiliates. "I think we have the same power to deal with cable as over-the-air" broadcasters.

"There has to be some standard of decency," he said.

Stevens told reporters afterward that he would push legislation to apply the standards to cable and satellite radio and television.

Um, Teddy, I think your party has enough to do, what with dismantling Social Security and sandbagging public education. I'm not even counting the wars. Why even push for something that (1) will never ever fly, and (2) seems designed to piss off the college Republican set?

You know, if you just let people have their stylized ultraviolence and gratuitous nudity, they'll won't even notice the disintegration of the social order.

Having said that, I'd consider voting for this bill if it requires that Carnivale plots make sense...