Feb 26, 2005

Let's see what's on (with an assist from Nevsky)...

Coming this winter to a theater near you, Dreamworks' latest animated hit:

Colostomy Bagz!

You've never seen them like this before!

"Man, Jerry, you're so full of crap!"

And be on the lookout for Colostomy Bagz action figures at a store near you! Order now and get a free refill pack...
"Say, would you like a nice Hawaiian Punch?"
"OW! Goddammit!!! My eye...what the hell did you do that for?"
"Huh? You said you wanted a Hawaiian Punch!"
"Wha...oh, so just because a word has dual meaning, that justifies assault? What kind of psycho logic is that?"
"Hmm...I guess I never thought about that..."
"Jesus, it's swelling..."
"You know, you do something for long enough, you don't even wonder why you do it, you just do..."
"Just get the hell away from me!"
"No, wait, I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you. You want some nice Hawaiian Kikinda Nuts?"
"I guess..."
"Oh God, the pain...I can't believe I fell for that..."
Next week, on The Simple Life: Interns, you won't believe what happens when the interns take a shift at a...er, "family planning" center...
"What the hell are you doing?"
"Oh, hi! I'm just cleaning the rug with this vacuum cleaner I found!"
"Hi, sorry I'm late, those protestors outside threw blood all over me. GROSS..."
9:01:04. 9:01:05. 9:01:06.
"Welcome to the weekly status meeting. If you turn to page 35 of the employee handbook, you'll notice that a signature is now required for form 20-B-01 unless you have exemption as noted in subsection 4 of regulation 9-8-Z1..."
"Goddammit, just once I'd like a montage."
9:01:14. 9:01:15. 9:01:16.
And now, press secretary Scott McCllelan.
"Good morning. I am pleased to announce that this summer the Bush administration will sponsor a Lucky Day Lottery open to all Americans. If the lucky number matches your birthday, you win an adventure vacation in exotic locales! Any questions?"
"Isn't this a draft?"
"See, this is exactly the partisan mudslinging I hoped to avoid. Why would you even ask that?"
"Because in the backdrop with the repeating words, you have the word Draft crossed out repeatedly and replaced by Lucky Day Lottery in crude highlighter."
"Well, I can answer that, but first, would you like a gift from the lottery sponsor, Hawaiian Kikinda Nuts?"
"Oh God, the pain...I'm really stupid. No wonder he won re-election..."

Feb 25, 2005

Screw the Marlboro Man and the camel he rode in on.

I've stopped smoking again.

I use the word "stop" rather than "quit" because I've settled in an odd pattern over the past few years; a few months of smoking (usually started by a work-related stress trigger), and then a few months off it (usually started by the realization I can save 20 dollars a week and NOT stain my teeth the color of teak). I guess this way I get to experience frequent nicotine withdrawal and the throat-scorching reacclimation process.

Which, admittedly, is stupid.

The main reason I can't completely seem to quit, though, is pretty simple: I enjoy the social aspects of smoking. It's nice to get a cigarette break every couple of hours at work. It's easier to converse with people over a smoke, as you have an instant ice-breaker.

"Boy, do I love smoking!"
"So do I. And that goiter looks nice on you..."

And it doesn't work smokeless. On my last non-smoking cycle, I would head out to the smoking area for five-minute smokeless breaks, and it was simply not the same. You feel like an interloper. And it's fair enough, I don't begrudge smokers being territorial at all, considering the places where they can light up are less and less.

But, despite any empathy I have for smokers, I'm not enjoying it that much these days, and it's expensive as hell in New Jersey, so screw it. I'll find other outlets for stress relief.

Like going to the truth website and giving it the finger for their obnoxious commercials.

Feb 19, 2005

Way to go, Lord Monty!

Fans of Blackadder and the Young Ones will know the name of Hugh Laurie, but he's playing very different roles these days. I caught an ep of House now that Amazing Race is on hiatus, and Laurie is the best asshole doctor on TV since Dr. Romano on ER. He makes this CSI clone well worth watching.

And I just saw on Ain't it Cool by way of Norbizness that Laurie will play Perry White in the new Superman movie.

Man, his agent is doing a hell of a job...

I think all of us can agree...

...that the NHL is so screwed up they can't even cancel the season properly.

...that these movies will flop.

...that spammers who target the families of soldiers killed in Iraq are lower than a skunk's diarrhetic rectum.

...that shoes and politics don't mix.

Feb 15, 2005

OK, is it just me...

...or does this sound like a really bad idea?

Governor: marry, and erase your child support debts

[NY Gov. George] Pataki is pushing a proposal that would reward deadbeat fathers by forgiving their child-support debts to the state -- if they marry the mothers of their children. He says the idea is to get those fathers involved with their children's lives and encourage them to support their families.

You know, I heard this on local radio news, and found articles, and it still seems like a joke. Maybe there was a retraction somewhere that I didn't catch.

So, the idea is to "encourage them to support their families". Well, how about making them pay the child support?

Hey, maybe this is a brilliant idea and I just don't get it. But apparently, neither do a lot of New Yorkers.

Feb 12, 2005

An l.m.s. contest for Howard Dean!

Dean got the nod as the DNC chair today, and it's a good choice. What else could the Dems do? If nothing else, Dean is a fighter, and I think his straight-talking will play well to the media, even if it may have hurt him in the primaries. People respect that, even if they don't agree with his political beliefs.

Now, naturally, the media's already pointing to the Scream, and of course the RNC will go after him with both barrels. However, I remember many instances of Bush sulking, whining, and generally acting like a four-year old kid that would be a perfect counterpoint to the manufactured media attacks against Dean.

So, here's the contest:

In the comments, please send me a link to any movie/Flash animation showing any Republican in the most humiliating light possible. The person who sends the link I find the best (judging on humor and humilation potential) will get a shout-out and a bookmark, plus recognition on a Kos diary that I'll do. I'll close entries tomorrow night, say 9 PM EST, reserving the right to extend it.

Thanks in advance!

And thanks for not pointing out that I could Google this myself if I wasn't a lazy bastard.

Feb 11, 2005

Choc...er, peanut butter blogging...

My man Alton Brown again. Last night's Good Eats was devoted to fudge in preparation for Up Yours, Singles...er, I mean Valentine's Day. His recipe for chocolate fudge, though tasty-looking, involves a candy thermometer, so the hell with it.

His recipe for peanut-butter fudge, however, is four ingredients (pb, unsalted butter, powdered sugar, and vanilla) and it's done in the microwave. Now that's my speed.

AB said in his show that the recipe's so easy kids can do it, provided they're supervised so they don't permanently disfigure themselves with the superheated steam the recipe produces.

I wonder if it'd work with Nutella...

Feb 9, 2005

Maybe Kiefer can cut another PSA...

Oh man, this is so wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.

U.K. reality TV to test 'Guantanamo' techniques

LONDON - A British TV channel is preparing “Guantanamo Guidebook,” a show that will test the effectiveness of interrogation techniques like sleep deprivation which freed inmates say were used by the U.S. military at its camp in Cuba.

I didn't think we had exhausted the other reality TV staples (voyeurism, celebrity) before turning to controversial governmental policies (to put it as euphemistically as humanly possible). Did I miss Urologist 911? Celebrity Knifefight? Eat This Dog Shit For Money...oh, wait, this is close enough.

Just wrong.

Unless, of course, Rumsfeld goes on it...

Feb 8, 2005

Betcha budgies'd balance better budgets...

I haven't really blogged about Captain Cokespoon and his merry band of smug incompetents because there are thousands of blogs that take the time to do it well and back it up with...wait a minute...

[checks dictionary]

...facts. However, I heard a report about the new budget on CBS Newsradio that stunned me.

The education cuts apparently also affect vocational schools.

Now, come on. I mean, you expect this administration to go after the liberal ivory-tower eggheads and the poor, but now they're making it harder for people to learn a trade? It's not as if people all can find baseball teams to own or get companies from their daddy's contacts.

And I thought this was something new and different but apparently it's a trend.

Oh, and if you're going to call it a wartime budget, how about including the $80 billion for Iraq and Afghanistan? Granted, disingenuousness isn't a hallmark of any single political party, but this administration doesn't even put the effort forth to work up a good lie.

It's enough to bring budgies to booze...

Feb 5, 2005

Let's see what's on...

Coming this fall to HBO, our latest hit series: Pet Store. It's a pet store...a weird and creepy pet store, dripping with symbolism and probably allegorical meaning!
"Hey Bob, what's with the line on aisle 2?"
"Oh, our Amish cashier thinks the register stole his soul. I'm more worried about the bloody cuneiform that manifested on the wall next to the cat food."
"Let's ask our manager, the talking narcoleptic ferret!"
"Well, Einstein postulated that warps in space-timefloopzzzzzzz..."
"Ah, let's go grab lunch at the hot dog stand run by the woman who may or may not be Amelia Earhart."
"Awful, awful, awful. Bloody horrible. Worst singing I've ever heard. Sounds like two yaks with laryngitis fornicating in a recycling center. Why do you do this? You clearly have no talent."
"Simon, why do you keep listening to Ashlee Simpson if you hate her so muchOH MY GOD PULL UP YOUR PANTS!"
"I'll say...the Treaty of Versailles?"
"And that's CORRECT! Congratulations, you've won the bonus round on today's Win Daunte Culpepper's Money!"
"Oh wow, thank you so much--what the--HEY, GIVE THAT BACK!"
And now, back to CSI: Jonestown.
"Captain, we got the toxicology report back."
"Let me guess. Poison Kool-Aid?"
"Actually, it's a particularly rare form of curare, only found in the Brazilian rainforest."
"Oh my word...really?"
*sigh* "No. It's Poison Kool-Aid."
" Geez, there's a shock."
"Welcome to Meet the Press. Today's guest, conservative commentator Fred Barnes, to discuss the controversial Gonzales memo. Now Mr. Barnes, you've been studying the memo extensively over the past two weeks and OH MY GOD PULL UP YOUR PANTS!"

Feb 3, 2005

Odds and sods...

Shout out to CmdrSue, who basically told me to get off my ass and blog (but nicely)...

* Fans of Chris Palmer's origami flower towers might be interested to know that he has a CD with instructions on a flower tower plus other similar folds (go here and search for "flower tower"). Haven't purchased this, so I can't review it, just FYI. So far, my efforts to fold the eight-sided flower tower have resulted in several origami boulders, which to the untrained eye resemble crumbled-up pieces of paper in frustration...

* Saw the Mac Mini at my local Apple Store, and it was cute. Didn't seem to have a manual-eject port. This is a bummer to those of us who've used bent paper-clips to remove Mac CDs, a custom which is up there with the flashing question mark.

* Gonzales got confirmed, and guess who was the only senator in the Tri-State area to vote for him? Yup. I hope Dean gets the DNC chair just so Holy Joe will switch sides and be done with it.