Feb 26, 2005

Let's see what's on (with an assist from Nevsky)...

Coming this winter to a theater near you, Dreamworks' latest animated hit:

Colostomy Bagz!

You've never seen them like this before!

"Man, Jerry, you're so full of crap!"

And be on the lookout for Colostomy Bagz action figures at a store near you! Order now and get a free refill pack...
"Say, would you like a nice Hawaiian Punch?"
"OW! Goddammit!!! My eye...what the hell did you do that for?"
"Huh? You said you wanted a Hawaiian Punch!"
"Wha...oh, so just because a word has dual meaning, that justifies assault? What kind of psycho logic is that?"
"Hmm...I guess I never thought about that..."
"Jesus, it's swelling..."
"You know, you do something for long enough, you don't even wonder why you do it, you just do..."
"Just get the hell away from me!"
"No, wait, I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you. You want some nice Hawaiian Kikinda Nuts?"
"I guess..."
"Oh God, the pain...I can't believe I fell for that..."
Next week, on The Simple Life: Interns, you won't believe what happens when the interns take a shift at a...er, "family planning" center...
"What the hell are you doing?"
"Oh, hi! I'm just cleaning the rug with this vacuum cleaner I found!"
"Hi, sorry I'm late, those protestors outside threw blood all over me. GROSS..."
9:01:04. 9:01:05. 9:01:06.
"Welcome to the weekly status meeting. If you turn to page 35 of the employee handbook, you'll notice that a signature is now required for form 20-B-01 unless you have exemption as noted in subsection 4 of regulation 9-8-Z1..."
"Goddammit, just once I'd like a montage."
9:01:14. 9:01:15. 9:01:16.
And now, press secretary Scott McCllelan.
"Good morning. I am pleased to announce that this summer the Bush administration will sponsor a Lucky Day Lottery open to all Americans. If the lucky number matches your birthday, you win an adventure vacation in exotic locales! Any questions?"
"Isn't this a draft?"
"See, this is exactly the partisan mudslinging I hoped to avoid. Why would you even ask that?"
"Because in the backdrop with the repeating words, you have the word Draft crossed out repeatedly and replaced by Lucky Day Lottery in crude highlighter."
"Well, I can answer that, but first, would you like a gift from the lottery sponsor, Hawaiian Kikinda Nuts?"
"Oh God, the pain...I'm really stupid. No wonder he won re-election..."