Fear and loathing in the dairy aisle (a "get off my lawn you damn kids" rant)...

Although Lewis Black has mined this material already with sufficiently hilarious results, I as well have found dissatisfaction with milk selection in the supermarket.

While taking my grandmother shopping, she asked if I could get her a pint of milk, since she checked the aisle and couldn't find it. I went, smugly suspecting that they had moved the pint cartons and I, with my engineering degree and years of success in the technical field, would easily be able to find what she could not.

Well, I was (am) a smug asshole.

Because there were no pints of milk.

Or to be precise, there were no pints of what Lewis Black accurately termed moo cow fuck milk. Whole, skim, one percent...nothing in pints.

But there was milk in pints. All the colors of the rainbow! Red, yellow, um, chocolate, OK that's not a color but you get the idea.

Now, as regular readers (both of you) know, I'm not anti-crap. I loved the Strawberry Quik powder when I was a kid, and this was the seventies so that shit probably had asbestos and Jimmy Hoffa in it. And I have nothing against 800 pseudo-milk products, and I also realize that if I went to a different store odds are I'd find real milk in pints.

My issue is this, it should be at least as easy to get the simple stuff than it is to get the sugary, chemical variants. I've seen this in Idiocracy when Luke Wilson goes to the water fountain to find that all water fountains in the future dispense not water but Brawndo{tm}, The Thirst Mutilator.

It's an ugly trend. That's all I'm saying.

And by the way, check out Nestle's parent information website where they try to pass off their admittedly-harmless-occasional-treat as health food. How the hell do they sleep at night?

Probably on huge bags of money.

The following events affected me more than the death of Jerry Falwell.

* The death of Anna Nicole Smith.

* The death of Don Ho.

* The death of disco.

* The recent elimination of the New Jersey Devils from the second round of the NHL playoffs.

* Learning that Picard had been altered by the Borg.

* Listening to Primus' Brown Album for the first time and hearing that it was an absolutely disappointing piece of work.

* Having to throw out half a tub of Temp-Tee brand whipped cream cheese because it had gone bad.

And so on.

Um, this is just wrong...

Yes, once again an important lesson is taught to our children: NEVER, EVER, TRUST ANYONE. AT ALL.

Tennessee teachers stage fake gunman attack

MURFREESBORO, Tenn. - Staff members of an elementary school staged a fictitious gun attack on students during a class trip, telling them it was not a drill as the children cried and hid under tables.

The mock attack Thursday night was intended as a learning experience and lasted five minutes during the weeklong trip to a state park, said Scales Elementary School Assistant Principal Don Bartch, who led the trip.

So, what exactly was the intended learning experience here? That death stalks you relentlessly and at any moment you could find yourself judged in the afterlife? Isn't that what Sunday school is for? Why don't you just cut the brake lines on the bus?

Besides, it's common knowledge that mock drills don't work.

Sympathy for the syringe.

I feel a slight bit of empathy for Barry Bonds, now. Not because I think he's right, on the other hand, I still find it hilarious that he still denies bathing himself in toxic concoctions, and he's just naturally becoming like the roont children from Wolves of the Calla or the Mr. Hyde version of Tweety Bird.

But I can completely understand why someone would turn to juice. I started lifting last week. Part of it was just for a change, but mostly because I sadly needed exercise in my life. I once bitched two years ago that I was a fat slob when I reached 180. Well, I was approaching the double-century mark last month. I had also settled into an all-processed diet, replete with consistent frozen burritos. In terms of self-loathing manifestations, this is not quite tongue bifurcation but way beyond dressing like Fred Durst if you're over 16.

So, I've been hitting the weights. I still use the plural, even though I'm straining at levels Minnie Mouse could handle. And I see the point in hitting that needle, the same I wish I could take a pill that would make me play the guitar like Eddie Van Halen, as long as I didn't LOOK or ACT like Eddie NOW, sweet crap, man, even Gary Cherone's laughing at you now.

I will say that I'm enjoying the unaccustomed consistent exercise. I hope I'm still enjoying it when I fail to warm up properly and end up shooting my vertebrae out of my corn-chute.

I ain't dead yet...

Oh, hello. Glad to be back.

It's been a long while, and I know my constant readers (both of them) were wondering why. Well, it's like this.

I've been a lazy prick.

That's about it, really. Some of it was life (downsized, repositioned, had that reposition REVOKED for no reason, then new job), and some of it was just that people do what I do much more consistently and much better (see any of the blogs linked), but most of it was good ol', 100%, all-American, flabby-assed laziness.

Well, I'm back. I'll try to keep it monthly. OK, bi-weekly or better...

A few odds and sods:

* Another reason I've haven't posted because I haven't been able to comment on politics without grabbing my head and groaning like Robert Vaughn in BASEketball. The veto was another of these moments. At least people aren't buying the bullshit as much anymore. Hopefully, everyone will work together, make our administration see reason*, and bring them home.

I've starred the hard part.

* Atrios said it best: One of the great mysteries of the universe is why wealthy people are unwilling to just hire drivers.

Right, Paris? I will concede, though, that she's DEFINITELY being thrown in jail cause she's a rich punk brat. OK, and a habitual drunk driver too.

Now do it to Axl and maybe he'll finish that goddamn album...

* Despite being a longtime Mac head, I had to update my circa-2000 computer, and this time I went PC. Little Gateway notebook, with Vista pre-installed. I've decided that Vista and Office are perfectly acceptable in a mediocre way, except for some annoying glitches with Word 2007 (Thanks for turning captions into TEXT BOXES, geniuses), and 2G of memory is a MINIMUM. Still, I'd like to see how Leopard is received, if it's good, I'll go back eventually.

But $500 for a telephone, no matter how cool, is bullshit.