May 20, 2007

Fear and loathing in the dairy aisle (a "get off my lawn you damn kids" rant)...

Although Lewis Black has mined this material already with sufficiently hilarious results, I as well have found dissatisfaction with milk selection in the supermarket.

While taking my grandmother shopping, she asked if I could get her a pint of milk, since she checked the aisle and couldn't find it. I went, smugly suspecting that they had moved the pint cartons and I, with my engineering degree and years of success in the technical field, would easily be able to find what she could not.

Well, I was (am) a smug asshole.

Because there were no pints of milk.

Or to be precise, there were no pints of what Lewis Black accurately termed moo cow fuck milk. Whole, skim, one percent...nothing in pints.

But there was milk in pints. All the colors of the rainbow! Red, yellow, um, chocolate, OK that's not a color but you get the idea.

Now, as regular readers (both of you) know, I'm not anti-crap. I loved the Strawberry Quik powder when I was a kid, and this was the seventies so that shit probably had asbestos and Jimmy Hoffa in it. And I have nothing against 800 pseudo-milk products, and I also realize that if I went to a different store odds are I'd find real milk in pints.

My issue is this, it should be at least as easy to get the simple stuff than it is to get the sugary, chemical variants. I've seen this in Idiocracy when Luke Wilson goes to the water fountain to find that all water fountains in the future dispense not water but Brawndo{tm}, The Thirst Mutilator.

It's an ugly trend. That's all I'm saying.

And by the way, check out Nestle's parent information website where they try to pass off their admittedly-harmless-occasional-treat as health food. How the hell do they sleep at night?

Probably on huge bags of money.