Let's see what's on...

Coming soon to a theater near you...an uplifting documentary about nature, and how love will find a way no matter what the harsh conditions.

March of the Dung Beetles.

Narration by Lewis Black.

"So these things...they play with their own SHIT all their life...then they DIE. So I wonder...why doesn't Bush hire them as PRESS SECRETARIES?"

*click*

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!

"Um, Katie, we usually just say 'good night' at the end of a newscast."

*click*

This summer, on ABC, So You Think You Can Arc Weld! Starring Dennis Miller and Norm McDonald!

"I'm telling you, this last time I was this excited, I was watching Berlin Alexanderplatz on tryptophan."
"Hey, this equipment, it kinda looks like a COCK!"

*click*

First, Battlestar Galactica. Then, Doctor Who. And now, another classic sci-fi series has returned...Space, 1999!

"Mission Control to ISS one. Come in, ISS one."
"Hello, Mission Control. We've completed experiment 24-Alpha."
"And?"
"Um...mold. We grew some mold."
"Oh. I, uh...is it futuristic space mold that shoots laser beams?"
"No. Just mold."
"Ah. Um...look, not to be a dick, but...how much did this experiment cost?"
"One hundred eighty million."
"Wow. I mean...wow."
"Yeah, I know. And I hate to tell you, but the toilet's clogged again."
"Great. That's another fifty million down the tubes..."

*click*

In celebration of Independence Day and this great country's 230th birthday, Masterpiece Theatre is proud to present a dramatic reading of the Preamble to the US Constitution. Ladies and gentlemen, Lewis Black.

"We the people of the United States blah blah blah do ordain to pull our powdered wigs out of our ASSES and stop taking orders from a country where they won't serve you a hamburger unless it came from a cow that was BLEEDING from the EYES..."

*click*

Bad ideas.

The Phyllis Diller swimsuit calendar.

Having Great White play an Independence Day concert in your basement.

OK Soda.

Selling $60 games for your $600 console.

The Kiss Coffeehouse.

And unfortunately, most of these things have been done.

Sweet Zombie Jesus!

This time, Futurama really is coming back. Comedy Central, 13 episodes. Recording starts next month.

Good news for me, since about 40% of the traffic here is looking for a Slurms Mckenzie pic that I linked to last year...

Viral videos are fun!

I had considered writing long, detailed posts about quantum immortality and squaring the circle, but instead I'll just post Youtube videos that I've willingly looked for over the past month:

These are all music videos from the 1980s that I've actively searched for. And watched. Repeatedly. Hey, I wanna relive my childhood, and it's cheaper than a sports car.

This is my favorite Kids in the Hall sketch of all time.

And this was my favorite cartoon as a kid. If you've never seen it before, guess which sequence has made me laugh for the past thirty years. It's pretty obvious. Tex Avery was brilliant.

OK, if you're looking for real viral videos, here's that one of the woman getting punched in the face. That cracks up my work crew...

Score one for those truth.com assholes...

I never thought I would be bothered by smoking at any bar, let alone an outdoor bar, but that was the case this week. New Jersey has banned smoking in indoor bars for two months now, so being outdoors and drinking was the first time in a while I'd been exposed to a smoking environment. You'd think it wouldn't be a big deal, and six months ago I would've been happily dragging and spewing toxins into the air as if I belonged on the Jersey Turnpike.

But I've been one of those quitters for about five months now in my endless on-again off-again battle with big tobacco, and the pervasive (if mild) stench in the air was annoying. And as much as I think it's ridiculous to ban smoking in bars (I think banning loud music makes more sense from a socializing standpoint), I have to admit that I've enjoyed smoke-free bars.

Fuck. What's a self-described libertarian to do?

No point here, just that I now sympathize with my non-smoking friends when they put up with me and the Pigpen-like cloud of dogshit fumes I carried around with me. Which I would probably still be doing, mind you, if smokes didn't cost five bucks a pack in New Jersey.

Between that and the new bans, sooner or later you'll see people crossing the border into Philly to pick up two cartons with their fireworks.

Isn't there anything more important going on?

Yup, can't catch Osama, fucked up Iraq, but he's gonna keep them hommasexshuls from infecting America with their gayness, by God and his straight white son Jesus.

Personally, if religious whackjobs are going to get their voice in the Constitution, I want this guy for at least three amendments.