Better(?) living(?) through pharmacology...

I received a big (yes, big) shock when I stepped on a scale this weekend.

180.

Great bowling average. But in terms of my weight, that number means that I can no longer discount my paunch as approaching middle age and metabolism slowdown.

Yep, I can now be officially declared a fatty boombalatty. With extra pork.

In retrospect, it's not surprising because I have probably the worst diet of non-Microsoft programmers in the nation. But it snuck up on me because it didn't show in the face and neck, and since those are the only parts I expose daily at work (well, on a regular basis), I could fool myself.

But face it, from nipples to knees, I'm a mess.

So, since I actually am fairly active for a sloth (I pace incessantly in frustration during the day), I'm making two big changes. The first is diet, obviously. Human-sized portions, no more desserts, and most importantly, no store-bought frozen crap. FoodTV, here I come.

The second thing I decided to try is some diet pills. Yes, it's dumb, and possibly health-endangering, but if it could help former Playboy playmate/neurotic hippo Anna Nicole Smith, maybe there's something to it. And face it, I've put worse crap in my body (I'm a former smoker, for example).

So, I picked up some of the cheapest "metabolism enhancer" that my drugstore had to offer. It's a mixture of herbal extracts...OK, it's basically amphetamines. Legal, of course, and ephedra-free (oh, why did I miss out on the ephedra craze), but basically crank.

So, verdict? Well, it's not killing me yet. Then again, it's been two days. The one thing that happened yesterday is when I drowsily ignored the warning. A dose provides the same caffeine as a cup of coffee, and the bottle does everything but blurt out JESUS CHRIST, DON'T TAKE THIS WITH COFFEE!!!!!!

So, you know what I did.

And then twenty minutes later I felt jittery (which was expected), and I was SWEATING. Thankfully, it passed before I had to talk to anyone. It would've been interesting. I looked like Leland Orser in Seven.

Anyway, my goals are modest, just to drop a little weight so I don't do much damage during what my brother calls "the gorgin' holidays", esp. since I fully intend to try making at least one of shari's or CmdrSue's chocolate-blogging recipies for the season.

Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my morning glass of bacon fat...oh all right, TURKEY bacon fat.