Sep 17, 2005

Let's see what's on...

"Good morning, and welcome to Meet the Press. Today, we were originally scheduled to have conservative pundits discuss why intelligent design should be taught, why Cindy Sheehan is a traitor, and why President Bush deserves none of the blame for the handling of the Katrina aftermath. However, we've decided that such a lineup would be too undignified for a show of the caliber of Meet the Press. So instead, Tom Green is going to stand on his head in a wading pool full of yak semen."
"I'll make slurping noises, too!"
"Yes, Tom, very good."
"There's definite trauma here at the fourth cervical vertebrae..."
"Wow, no wonder they call you Bones. You can tell all that just by looking at that emaciated corpse?"
"Huh? The morgue's down the hall. I'm just a massage therapist in for the day."
"And I'm not an emaciated corpse, I'm punk legend Iggy Pop!"
"Oh., you're emaciated."
"And that was our final contestant tonight on Rock Star: Men Without Hats. What do you think, Dave Navarro?"
"All I know is I'd gun down a bus full of orphans if it would get that song out of my head."
"Tonight, on PBS' Historical Roundtable, we will discuss the Spanish Influenza epidemic of 1918. Our first guest is former FEMA director Michael Brown."
"Well, you've got to understand that you're going to get killer epidemics every now and then, it's not really a big deal in the global scheme of things..."
"Our guest today on Meet the Press is Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, who will talk about his 2006 re-election campaign."
"Good morning."
"Right after he stands on his head in a wading pool full of yak semen."
"Um...excuse me?"
"Look, you want the airtime or not?"
"Well...all right. But that better be from a straight yak."